plugged in to recharge.

the phone has not rang, and the mails are not coming in. it can get rather disheartening without work. i cannot say that i miss work. afterall, i have to admit that i am enjoying my leisure life now. it is back to the good old school days! but this cannot go on forever. and i do not want it to, anyway. i want to burn brightly, like a litted firefly in the night.

i shall press on. things will work out fine, i know He's working on it.

wizards and spells.

been unwell for three days, and this count has not come to a halt. my breaths are diminishing, exhaustion is perpetually constant. i am not a fan of medicine and clinics, but i am starting to wave hello, it is getting a little too much to bear. weird thing is, my appetite is still going on strong, or rather, stronger. what's wrong with me? doctor!

inches of bean stalk.

a six year old would anxiously sit by her precious bean sprout plant, waiting for the head of the cute little bean sprout to pop out of the soil. despite it being planted barely a few hours back, the anxiety and excitement could just hardly contain themselves. see the sparkle in the child's eyes, see the shiny glimmers of hope and faith in those almond-shaped eyes.

and so here i am, not six years old, and in fact, many multiples older, clicking countless times to check my mail. okay, okay and so i admit i am not that patient. i checked my mail for abit and soon after, i hopped off and returned to lala land.

the prospect i replied yesterday had not returned a reply. well, i am probably a tad disappointed but hey, he may just reply tomorrow! i am not at all worried, i am just entirely excited waiting for a reply.

and today, here is another shout! another prospect had contacted me. cheerios cheerios. i must absolutely give thanks to the Almighty One above. He is so nice. i am so grateful. of course, nothing has yet been confirmed, but i know all good things will come my way, in His time.

i hope His time is not too faraway. let patience and peace rest in me tonight, i am already looking forward to tomorrow. smiles.

grass of the field.

i was watching the telly earlier when i suddenly sat up, feeling tensed and uptight. fine lines started revealing themselves on my forehead, and a frown slowly formed out of my lips. worries consumed me for a good whole few seconds there, horror terror. i honestly hate to worry about tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and the tomorrow of all tomorrows. it is senseless, pure torment and tears joy into pieces. thankfully, i managed to cast that aside, drilling faithfully, helplessly into my mind that i need not worry about tomorrow.

"if that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?"
- matthew 6:30

and hours later, hope was clearly in sight, a prospect! the road ahead is long and winding, but i am thankful that i have this path to walk, and i will continue walking His will by faith.

streaks of rainbows.

when happiness is in my life in continuous form, i gleam inside-out, and wanna hug the world and kiss all the cute puppies and guinea pigs in my sight. it is always nice to receive compliments, and when it comes from someone whom you value an incredible amount, it is extremely rewarding. it kicks doubts off your insecurities, and fills your day with golden-yellow sunshine. who cares if the skies were gray this morning, and the rain was pouring anxiously to flood the grounds? even feeling unwell did not manage to dip me in any gloom.

Him, my other half, our families and my friends, are the best in the world!

may my lucky continuity continues. if i must give an estimate, work is barely a eighth way there, the road ahead remains an arduous uphill trek but i am full of faith and hope, i know that things will definitely get better! plans were drawn out, and we are now counting on our rusted engines to put these into action. oiling in process! a slow start is expected, i was afterall obliviously sinking my waist in brown grainy rust just days back.

anyway, with effort, comes good results, and flying colors. journeys which are long and winding are exceptionally memorable, the view from the peak of The Destination is going to be mind-blowing. this is going to be such a beautiful ride!

mud and jams.

yours truly here is starting to flop, like slime and mud. packed schedules tend to throw me off the wall like car-packed jams. seems i have to take a class on time management or something, something that guides me on how to coordinate my plans, needs and wants, and stuff them all into the insufficient hours each day gives.

for awhile, i was trapped in a ball that stood constant, even as time slips off the way sand does from the gaps between our fingers. yet now, i find myself constantly rolling. i want to burn myself out, push myself beyond the limits. in short, i would like to grow. i want to learn new things, i wish to surpass myself. i guess i am just bored of me, the complacent me who is always in content, yet never contented. it somehow gets frustrating, to be in a permanent form of self-contradiction.

i am never much of a determined person, much less of a fighter. but i am hoping this gust of zest in me will last more than a few moments. i simply have too many dreams waiting for me to pluck off the sky, all waiting for me to wave my hands, stretch a little and reach out for them. i have to get moving. my dreams are waiting.

dreams do come true. i know mine will, ours will.

fly by.

fly by, surely time could slow down a little, but no, it has already been five days.

the soil digging has been worthwhile, baby steps may be small but i trust we are in the right direction. the Lord paves the road, and we the humble servants obey and walk the path. thinking back, we have no clues why we had paused in what we had set out to do earlier. i guess setbacks and disappointments had thrashed our high hopes then. maybe we had shunned away to escape further despair, or maybe it really just was not the right time. anyway, i would like to think that it is not too late. and gladly, nothing in this world is ever too late. regrets do happen, but if we find strength, we will usually find our way to iron out the regrets, or to move on. and so, we did have our share of regrets, about things we did or did not do. and now, we finally find strength through Him to shove those stubborn stains of regrets aside, working cheerfully towards our dreams and plans.

and i would somewhat like to think that we are now stronger than before. i honestly think i have grown stronger, not physcially of course, how is that possible with delicious shakes, mozarella cheese and permanantly-postponed gym visits? i just seem to get along a little better with the word 'perseverance' these few days, even though the strings are getting tighter, and worries tend to set in often in the late nights while i lie in bed, with a mind too active to sleep, too free to frown and ponder.

we cannot ensure a success, but He can. once in awhile, i do face doubts about my own talents and plus-points, but the gifts He had blessed me with must be worth As and distinctions! therefore, i choose to press on, and put those gifts and blessings to good use. i will hang in there, i will persevere till the time comes for our prayers to be answered.

i am like a child, waiting for the clock to strike twelve on christmas day, eagerly counting down to the day my little plant will bloom into bright petals. i really hope it will be soon.

model student.

my other half has been rather diligent today. the library is probably still not his favorite hangout, and the study room is definitely never going to be his favorite spot in his home, but the struggling efforts are undeniable. though it is no doubt a very miserly five short minutes of concentration span on those fat chunks of books, i figure it is still a start worth champagne and party poppers.

do not worry, baby. you can do it! (eeks, sounds so cheesy, but oh well, who cares? heh.)

happy soiled fingers.

i am feeling rather rejuvenated today, despite running on a serious lack of sleep. dark rings shall not tempt me to slumberland. dreams start to fuel my slightly weighted footsteps, and my little petrol tank in gradual motion gets pumped up full. i had been in deep sleep for hundreds of days, stretching to months. doing some simple math, i am now left with only under three months to convict myself to a path.

this path, or that? the answer will be revealed in good time, in His time.

for now, i am going to dig the dirty pile of soil with my rusty half-retired engine, and plant the seed. i am certain He will water my sweet seedling, this plant will nurture and prosper in His glory. it will bloom, it will flower. its colors will glorify His name, and the colors will fill my sight with answered prayers.

i can hardly wait!

tartare paradise.

date: 13 august 2005

time: 2100

venue: fish & co.

drinks: free-flow kola tonic and two glasses of iced water

side dishes: two fish & chips, and a pan of fried calamari

main dish: FIVE saucers of tartare sauce.........YUMMY!

new-fashioned momma.

'squeakkkkkk!', went my pigs, having their routine fight after the weekly shower.

'fight fight fight, naughty ah. the older the two of you get, the naughtier!', my mum nags at them rather sternly as the rounder pig trotted after the skinnier pig playfully.

what follows, is the familiar clinking sound of food generously poured into their tinted glass dish.

unexpected downpour.

the weather was sunbaked and rainless the whole of today, yet it was nonetheless a wet, or rather drenched saturday for my other half.

while enjoying the moving air, and admiring scenic views of a typical saturday's traffic through the wind-down windows of the accelerating car, The Puppy conveniently relieved herself on his lap.

warm, he said.

it's warm, he said.

the puppy.

woofie woof woof.

while walking The Puppy today, we had to stop numerous times in our tracks despite wanting to hurry our steps and get home quick. The Puppy had been munching on every slightly scented object (animal/plant, living/non-living) on the drenched roads, resulting in my other half's hands perpetually resided in The Puppy's throat half the time. and for the precious few moments that his hands were freed, The Puppy was optimistically trying to catch a few black flurry birds to keep as pets.

then midway plodding our way home with The Puppy, a little girl with jet black hair and sparkling eyes had us three mesmerized.

the following were the mumbles of her baby talk.

woofie. clapping her little hands, frantically waving them in excitement.

woof! she giggled, as we paused our steps and The Puppy tugged the leash wanting to run to the little girl.

woof woof! she giggled again.

touch! looking at her dad for boozes of courage, and the dad egged the little girl on. go ahead, touch if you want, he said, in a father's strong reassuring voice.

scared! she backed off, gurgling in laughter as The Puppy pounced up and down in rhythm.

sayang. and she carefully took a few steps forward, stretching her small hands and gently stroked The Puppy's beautiful, freshly brushed fur. she squiggled in gleaming happiness.

and as the three of us continued to trudge our way home, her innocent eyes laid still on us, attentively watching our distancing backs.

and so, The Puppy made a new friend today, this little girl who lives a few streets away.

shining rays in gloom.

feeling hopeless reminds us that we are helpless without Him.

welcome to the family.

prayers are always answered. a month ago, we had prayed and left it in His hands. a month had passed, and we obediently, though reluctantly learnt to let it go, let it pass.

today, the prayer is answered. in good time, He reminds us, all in good time.

the puppy will be joining the family on sunday, we cannot wait. the puppy will be showered with love, love and more love. i can hardly contain my happiness, in fact, i cannot. i am giddy from fluttering around in joyful smiling circles. i am so happy, i can no longer write without sounding gibberish.

the puppy is finally coming home with us. i am a lucky four-leaf clover.

ripple effect.

if only repercussions do not exist, but we all know that they do. and from past experiences, i know i am often misread, misunderstood then oddly maligned. as a consequence, i now learn that i really cannot even offer an innocent smile in response to the hello, in fear the ripples start those monster waves and drown us all again.

in every choice laid on this table, i cannot seem to escape being misunderstood. i just hope all will come to pass, soon. i have to keep my eyes on Him and keep reminding myself, that i live not to be a crowd pleaser, that all does not matter, except for Him and Him only.

the magic bread.

i still enjoy doraemon. i am still mesmerized by his Bread, the Bread that can help you pass all examinations. how easy can examinations get? you just have to eat the Bread!

superheroes.

when i was a child, dressed in cute mini clothes and ponytails, my jaws perpetually dropped in awe each time the soft cuddly carebears shine their superhero powers or ride at 280kmph (assuming superheroes need not keep to speed limits) in the light blue skies on their cloudful convertibles.

having grown out of superbears and "i am the terror, that flaps in the night. i am duck wing duck!", i departed the colorful fictional telly world and slipped into the real world- a place where darkness lurks not just in the troubled alleys, but also on the brightly litted highways.

the good may sometimes have to endure vicious cuts and slashes, and the pain often too much to bear. the bad and villians run freely, laughing in the open, while the good weeps in an unheard whisper in the deserted nights. a funny world, whipped out of irony and chinese drama serials. and look at the bizarre headlines of our daily newspapers.

thankfully, He is the truth. He sees all, knows all. therefore, we need not fear. because at the end of the day, when all is stripped away, it is only Him that matters.

He is my superhero, the One whom i can always count on, the Greatest Author and Authority. my once broken life, He has taken away and showers me now with healing, love, hope and the sweetest blessings. He will always provide, and like my other half says, "all in good time".

He has blessed me immensely. May God bless you too.

at the table.

"yeah, i know that guy. his name is.......hmmm, starts with a B......." ransacking my brain.

"Benjamin?" my other half asked, with a suspicious snigger.

"Bernard?" dad added, with a smirk.

"or Benga-li?" continued dad, with an innocent ponder.

and i wonder why didn't i flip. the two most idiotic men on earth are under the same roof, MY roof.