just for tonight.

i must have gotten my fiery temper from the genes, i'm quick-tempered. oh, and short-tempered too. a stubborn arse with little patience. actually, i'm not sure if you know this, but my anger transforms into a spiral of laughter really easily too, if you only just try.

if you ever fight with me (big quarrel, fist fight, petty tiffs, stupid squabbles whatever), all you have to do is tickle me, give me a hug and whisper rosy happy things into my ear and i'll probably giggle and return you the tickles ten-fold cheerily. in a blink, all the gloom will go away and the yellow sun floats back into the skies.

i'm that simple. i really snap out of anger that easily. sometimes, in anger, i secretly have odd little wishes, like wanting you to nudge my head and laugh at how silly i am, to get angry over this, this, and that. just like a red rose acting fierce and tough with all the little thorns and pricks. is this my wall of defence? maybe. or maybe it's my way of sending you little messages. 'are you there? have you forgotten about me? hello hello?'

when i cry (so what if it's just 5 minutes? or 3?), my world collapses too, into a muddy football pitch and the thunder roars in constant thumps. i know i'm strong in mind and in soul, but sometimes, i just want you to remember that in tantrums, i'm a little girl, like every other girl in this big big world.

hoppo says 'NOW'

i haven't been blogging for awhile and dearest hoppo gave me an extremely kind reminder.

hoppo: you haven't been blogging for awhile
me: ya hehehehehhhehee
hoppo: go blog
me: k k i will
hoppo: NOW
me: hehehehehhehehehe i will blog SOON
hoppo: liar!!!

and thus, here i am, dropping a little blog entry to appease my dearest friend who has a broken back (without a mountain, or so she says). poor thing, she has been having strange ailments of all sorts lately: insomnia, a numb last finger and a broken back!

regardless, hehehhehhe she's still the spicy hot chick hahhahaa, with heaps of funny brain juice. take care yeah?

cheers.

Expect some changes.

In life, I hope to accept that change is constant, and adapt to changes more maturely.

I would like to say a little less, and learn to appreciate the silence.

I hope not to judge or criticise, I hope to see the world and its people with an open heart.

I hope to live my life to the fullest in an impromptu manner for the next 1 year. Afterthat, I will like to take an attempt at growing up.

Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid. Therefore, I will like to learn to be a little reserved, probably think before I speak, and not put a voice to every thought in my head.

I shall allocate more time to myself. I will like to think that at times, being alone can be extremely therapeutic and comforting.

I'm so rooted in this current personality mould, so I know the above wouldn't come by easily. But well, at least I'm giving them some thoughts.

This much of it is true.

Yes, I'd been attracted to a couple of split personalities. But they always belong to the popular crowd, seeming all flamboyant, loud and fiery, but are in reality the sweetest, rather reserved, most grounded people on earth.

Yes, I feel most alive when things are straight-forward, and when I'm told that I'm loved. But what makes me hop and pounce about are yummy unexpected surprises and heaps of cuddly teddy bear hugs and 'I love you's! To be appreciated and knowing that I'm appreciated by my loved ones bring me the greatest contentment. I don't believe in keeping things from my loved ones, I hate it when things are made complicated, everything should be kept simple, just as it was supposed to be.

Well, I would be forced to break up with someone whom I don't love anymore I reckon. Otherwise, I usually give second chances (heaps of them) and hope that things change for the better. It's somewhat true that I would be unable to put up with someone who's difficult to please though. Doesn't make sense if you have to constantly please someone just to sustain the relationship. Where's the love!

My ideal relationship is fun, passionate, and yeah, comforting i guess. :) There has to be warmth, love and most importantly, honesty, sincerity, peace, fun, laughter and God.

Sadly, I've cheated before. I regret that very much, so I would like to think that I will never do that again, ever.

Marriage? Actually, I love and embrace the idea of settling down with The One. Having our own dream apartment, one or two lovely puppies, many pigs and a few bunnies. Kids? Probably, but I've a serious and uncontrollable phobia of childbirth and being a mother. However, at this point in time, yes I'm afraid of marriage! I reckon I'm still a child, and I think only adults have the right to contemplate and consider marriage. Therefore, I'll only be ready when I think I have grown beyond the child in me.

At this moment, I think of love as something I already have in my life. I used to do everything for love, and I probably will still do anything for love. Won't fall for it easily? On the contrary, I've always fallen in love easily, at the snap of a finger, unknowingly, unexpectedly. And I'm happy this way, because love itself is meant to be unexplainable and an endless mystery.

how much of this is true?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

lucky no.5

i know it sounds cheesy, but i just have to say this:

i'm the most most most most most fortunate person in this world. :)

there are heaps more to say, but i'm left with eight minutes to make it for a 9.30 a.m appointment. so, later!

waves.

the sandcastle is washed away.

somebody.

Somebody
Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things

But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

the 19th day.

19 days of january have come and gone by. this year is running on such a quick rhythm, i am hardly keeping up. if 2006 is a treadmill, i have long lost that pace and have fallen flat on my face.

someone please tune that treadmill to a decent speed. now!

god, rain or shine.

everything gets back on track once i get my focus fixed up. whenever i stray away from God, my life crumbles and like a messed puzzle, i struggle endlessly to piece my broken self back together by my own strength, and not His. my own strength is like that uhu glue that cannot even keep my favorite sandals together, while God is the self-sacrificing father who carries me on His back when i have lost all strength to take even one more step.

for close to two weeks, i tried to conquer the world on my own. i was battered, bruised and defeated. emotions can cause an overkill, adoration can tear you away from happiness, isolation becomes warmer than a human touch and emptiness can seem the safest place on earth. without God's peace and counsel, life is colorless and withered. yet that gray world of no colors can seem so low, till you want to stay put there forever. it is rockbottom, they say. where else can you go?

well, now that i have regained my sight, and my eyes are tightly fixed on Him above. i know that wherever i am, i have the right to feel peace in my heart and joy. plus, i have the right to get back on my feet and climb happily up the ladder to a happier place, and a happier me.

and so, the gloom is over, finally found the strength to tell Him that i am sorry, to have taken Him for granted, even if it is just for two weeks. in gladness and thanksgiving, i know i am forgiven, through His ever amazing grace. being caught up in a bustling city lifestyle is no excuse. a sweet friend once told me: life is like a piece of paper. draw a vertical margin on the paper. and keep that only for god.

if i could do that when i was a nine-year-old school kid, and never scribbled my trash into the margins. i am sure that i can learn to manage the margins of my life now. just takes some practice and self-discipline. not going to be easy, but i know god deserves my praises, time and attention.

back to lighter topics, i have finally completed something that i owe for one and a half weeks. well, if this falls through, i am probably going to knock my head against the wall and whine for three days till my neighbours clobber me into concussion. god, i pray that you will grant me this opportunity.

and guys, happy new year! if i have not said this to you, yet. but i guess i have not, because my new year has just begun!

cheerios!

nursery rhyme.

i heard what you said.
it keeps ringing in my head,
and something tells me that i will remember,
remember, remember.

i will write it down somewhere,
maybe tattoo it on my neck,
just so that i will always remember,
remember, remember.

the world is spinning.
my head is fucking hurting.
i can't wait for tomorrow.
when i wake, i will never remember that name.
never, never, never remember.

darkening dark circles.

my holiday is almost coming to an end and i am still facing the same old wacky problem.

i had been yawning and tired since 10 p.m. and yet, i am still awake now, at 2 a.m.

what's the logic? i probably need a sweet lullaby to lure my warped and awake cells into slumber.

good riddance.

the garden of roses you gave last christmas bloomed into a house of sharp thorns.

ain't it funny to do a spring-clean and end up stuffing yourself into the trash bag, rolling yourself into the chute? but well, that happens.

what's in an expiry date?

munching happily on a hongkong's ever renowned 'wife biscuit' specially flown in by my aunt, i find myself pausing for a moment now amidst the chewing.

below states what's printed on the exquisite golden-rimmed packaging.

best before:
dd/mm/yy
$ 4.50

now tell me, what's in an expiry date?
price?

remembering his name.

they remember his name. he slips in with such ease, like the way i fit into the crowd. you are family now, my love. i know it when they call you by your name.

question and answer.

'why is it only now that i find out about this?', i keep asking myself.

why not earlier? things could have been vastly different.
for good or bad, i do not know. by a typical human's perceptions, it would have been many tonnes easier. it saves time and money, and we can move on to living our dreams sooner.

but, God, you allow this to happen. so needless to say, there is a purpose behind this. so let me move on from this and God, lead me to the right path that i should take, please. i am really rather tired from thinking.

decision jury.

the left fights the right, while the right kicks back with no reserve. my head is getting dizzy from the constant bickering arguments and debates. i have heard enough reasons, excuses, fears, concerns, practical and impractical options. all coming from me, myself and i am about to punch myself in the face, the decision jury in my head is fighting its guts inside out.

do i list the pros and cons, do some math and conclude?
do i follow what makes me happy?
do i take the 99.9% safe and predictable path?
do i take a vote and just do a count?
i know i should simply follow God. i am ignorant, while He is my wise counsellor.

God, guide me? well, i know God is already guiding me. i am just not focusing enough to see. i am misplaced by personal fears, and earthly worries. trust, have faith, pray. God will always give me the best. all i have to do is to open my arms and receive. if i do not even dare to walk through this opened door, how do i receive His blessings?

all these are easy to say, yet hard to place into practice. but i hope i will be able to place my life in His hands, and stop fighting to take control. sometimes, all i have to do is follow Him. oh God, let me see, and i will surely follow after you.

get well soon.

my heels makes a visit to the doctor after spending barely ninety minutes at work. the only good out of this is the natural slumping into bed after the doses of medicines. i do not usually sleep well, but i slept for four straight hours earlier. my body must have really needed this rest.

i am spinning my magic wand a million rounds, let the medicines get my health back in order. my skin is not pale, but my body is certainly not in tip top condition. the doctor is expecting to see me in a week's time for a review, and i am hesistant about it. if my stomach's condition does not improve by then, i will be sent for a scan. and so, i shall spin my wand many times more, churning words into prayers.

stomach, get well soon. take care.

dad the monkey.

i watch suspiciously as dad walks in cheekily through that door.

'who are they? your friends?' dad asks mum, as he takes a glance at the four formally-dressed vietnamese ladies seated elegantly at our green couch, along with a finger-pointing gesture.

mum, totally wide-eyed, returns dad with a disapproving look, then dad bursts out laughing as his friends look at him, all stunned in bewilderment.

too often, i wonder when my dad will grow up.
but i guess, never.

late night friday.

crippled all week thanks to the compulsory early nights and premature rude awakenings, i have finally arrived at my favorite day of the week, friday. after being whiney and grumbling for five consecutive nights about having to sleep early to get up early, i can finally dump that early bird into the bin with a smirk. it is such joy to be happily typing away at two a.m, with no worries about waking up the next morning with puffy eyes, looking like an authentic furry china panda. it is the weekend for goodness sake, i can look like a panda/koala/whatever if i want to.

oddly, i am awake not because i want to surf the internet or to chat. neither is it the need to blog, before my brain's hard disk crashes, and please do not even think that it is insomnia. i am dead tired at this moment, and my eyes are giving way. but i insist on sleeping late/later because it is friday! this calls for a celebration. and so, here i am, scribbling my thoughts by typing furiously, as i struggle to keep my heavy eyes open. weekends are precious, i will simply refuse to give the night away to sleep.