lucky no.5

i know it sounds cheesy, but i just have to say this:

i'm the most most most most most fortunate person in this world. :)

there are heaps more to say, but i'm left with eight minutes to make it for a 9.30 a.m appointment. so, later!

waves.

the sandcastle is washed away.

somebody.

Somebody
Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things

But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

the 19th day.

19 days of january have come and gone by. this year is running on such a quick rhythm, i am hardly keeping up. if 2006 is a treadmill, i have long lost that pace and have fallen flat on my face.

someone please tune that treadmill to a decent speed. now!

god, rain or shine.

everything gets back on track once i get my focus fixed up. whenever i stray away from God, my life crumbles and like a messed puzzle, i struggle endlessly to piece my broken self back together by my own strength, and not His. my own strength is like that uhu glue that cannot even keep my favorite sandals together, while God is the self-sacrificing father who carries me on His back when i have lost all strength to take even one more step.

for close to two weeks, i tried to conquer the world on my own. i was battered, bruised and defeated. emotions can cause an overkill, adoration can tear you away from happiness, isolation becomes warmer than a human touch and emptiness can seem the safest place on earth. without God's peace and counsel, life is colorless and withered. yet that gray world of no colors can seem so low, till you want to stay put there forever. it is rockbottom, they say. where else can you go?

well, now that i have regained my sight, and my eyes are tightly fixed on Him above. i know that wherever i am, i have the right to feel peace in my heart and joy. plus, i have the right to get back on my feet and climb happily up the ladder to a happier place, and a happier me.

and so, the gloom is over, finally found the strength to tell Him that i am sorry, to have taken Him for granted, even if it is just for two weeks. in gladness and thanksgiving, i know i am forgiven, through His ever amazing grace. being caught up in a bustling city lifestyle is no excuse. a sweet friend once told me: life is like a piece of paper. draw a vertical margin on the paper. and keep that only for god.

if i could do that when i was a nine-year-old school kid, and never scribbled my trash into the margins. i am sure that i can learn to manage the margins of my life now. just takes some practice and self-discipline. not going to be easy, but i know god deserves my praises, time and attention.

back to lighter topics, i have finally completed something that i owe for one and a half weeks. well, if this falls through, i am probably going to knock my head against the wall and whine for three days till my neighbours clobber me into concussion. god, i pray that you will grant me this opportunity.

and guys, happy new year! if i have not said this to you, yet. but i guess i have not, because my new year has just begun!

cheerios!

nursery rhyme.

i heard what you said.
it keeps ringing in my head,
and something tells me that i will remember,
remember, remember.

i will write it down somewhere,
maybe tattoo it on my neck,
just so that i will always remember,
remember, remember.

the world is spinning.
my head is fucking hurting.
i can't wait for tomorrow.
when i wake, i will never remember that name.
never, never, never remember.

darkening dark circles.

my holiday is almost coming to an end and i am still facing the same old wacky problem.

i had been yawning and tired since 10 p.m. and yet, i am still awake now, at 2 a.m.

what's the logic? i probably need a sweet lullaby to lure my warped and awake cells into slumber.

good riddance.

the garden of roses you gave last christmas bloomed into a house of sharp thorns.

ain't it funny to do a spring-clean and end up stuffing yourself into the trash bag, rolling yourself into the chute? but well, that happens.

what's in an expiry date?

munching happily on a hongkong's ever renowned 'wife biscuit' specially flown in by my aunt, i find myself pausing for a moment now amidst the chewing.

below states what's printed on the exquisite golden-rimmed packaging.

best before:
dd/mm/yy
$ 4.50

now tell me, what's in an expiry date?
price?

remembering his name.

they remember his name. he slips in with such ease, like the way i fit into the crowd. you are family now, my love. i know it when they call you by your name.

question and answer.

'why is it only now that i find out about this?', i keep asking myself.

why not earlier? things could have been vastly different.
for good or bad, i do not know. by a typical human's perceptions, it would have been many tonnes easier. it saves time and money, and we can move on to living our dreams sooner.

but, God, you allow this to happen. so needless to say, there is a purpose behind this. so let me move on from this and God, lead me to the right path that i should take, please. i am really rather tired from thinking.

decision jury.

the left fights the right, while the right kicks back with no reserve. my head is getting dizzy from the constant bickering arguments and debates. i have heard enough reasons, excuses, fears, concerns, practical and impractical options. all coming from me, myself and i am about to punch myself in the face, the decision jury in my head is fighting its guts inside out.

do i list the pros and cons, do some math and conclude?
do i follow what makes me happy?
do i take the 99.9% safe and predictable path?
do i take a vote and just do a count?
i know i should simply follow God. i am ignorant, while He is my wise counsellor.

God, guide me? well, i know God is already guiding me. i am just not focusing enough to see. i am misplaced by personal fears, and earthly worries. trust, have faith, pray. God will always give me the best. all i have to do is to open my arms and receive. if i do not even dare to walk through this opened door, how do i receive His blessings?

all these are easy to say, yet hard to place into practice. but i hope i will be able to place my life in His hands, and stop fighting to take control. sometimes, all i have to do is follow Him. oh God, let me see, and i will surely follow after you.

get well soon.

my heels makes a visit to the doctor after spending barely ninety minutes at work. the only good out of this is the natural slumping into bed after the doses of medicines. i do not usually sleep well, but i slept for four straight hours earlier. my body must have really needed this rest.

i am spinning my magic wand a million rounds, let the medicines get my health back in order. my skin is not pale, but my body is certainly not in tip top condition. the doctor is expecting to see me in a week's time for a review, and i am hesistant about it. if my stomach's condition does not improve by then, i will be sent for a scan. and so, i shall spin my wand many times more, churning words into prayers.

stomach, get well soon. take care.

dad the monkey.

i watch suspiciously as dad walks in cheekily through that door.

'who are they? your friends?' dad asks mum, as he takes a glance at the four formally-dressed vietnamese ladies seated elegantly at our green couch, along with a finger-pointing gesture.

mum, totally wide-eyed, returns dad with a disapproving look, then dad bursts out laughing as his friends look at him, all stunned in bewilderment.

too often, i wonder when my dad will grow up.
but i guess, never.

late night friday.

crippled all week thanks to the compulsory early nights and premature rude awakenings, i have finally arrived at my favorite day of the week, friday. after being whiney and grumbling for five consecutive nights about having to sleep early to get up early, i can finally dump that early bird into the bin with a smirk. it is such joy to be happily typing away at two a.m, with no worries about waking up the next morning with puffy eyes, looking like an authentic furry china panda. it is the weekend for goodness sake, i can look like a panda/koala/whatever if i want to.

oddly, i am awake not because i want to surf the internet or to chat. neither is it the need to blog, before my brain's hard disk crashes, and please do not even think that it is insomnia. i am dead tired at this moment, and my eyes are giving way. but i insist on sleeping late/later because it is friday! this calls for a celebration. and so, here i am, scribbling my thoughts by typing furiously, as i struggle to keep my heavy eyes open. weekends are precious, i will simply refuse to give the night away to sleep.

ballooning away.

bottling up these days, i find myself ballooning away. i have turned silent, and my smiles are becoming few. i cannot say that i am not happy, that would be a lie. but i know something is odd about myself. something is creeping up my back. it is either the boredom that is driving me paranoid, or fear that is making me blow through the roof.

i feel i am on the outside of the glass, looking into your world. i can see everything, but i feel left out. i feel very much alone. i am the spectator, i do not live the same life. i feel isolated, and i do not know to rejoice or to grieve.

should i join the school of fish, and swim in the packed polluted ocean?
or should i continue living the contented fairytale life in my fish tank?

of course everyone will label me an ignorant idealistic child. but i guess, all i wanted was to dream, and live a dream. maybe all i wanted, was a fish tank as huge as the seas, clean and free for all to swim happily ever after. or maybe i am a tiny fish in the big blue ocean with a calling, to stand up for a pollution-free ocean?

blop, blop. bubble. till i find my answer, i shall continue swimming.

kitchen store.

mum picks up the phone, obviously occupied with her telly.

ma, do we have any lettuce at home?

lettuce? what is lettuce?

lettuce? the one the pigs always eat, that is lettuce. argh, nevermind. can you see if we have potatoes?

alright, i will check. (fumbling noises.) ya, we have potatoes.

okay, how many?

one.

one? argh. nevermind, forget about it. do we have any food at home at all?

ya, we have. onions. we have two onions.

silence.

drip drip drenched.

i am all soaked in His blessings!

clover shower.

prayers are always answered in God's own manner. whatever the outcome, we rest assured that it is always with the best intentions He has for us. in this walk of life, faith in Him is essential.

cheer me up sunflowers.

what makes your cheerless glum days slightly more bearable?

sunflowers?

chocolates? or comedies?

chocolate ice-cream usually comes to my rescue, but it just seems insufficient today. and what is worrying, is that i am indifferent about it. i do not even care to find the remedy. why bother? since i am expecting tomorrow to be a rerun of today. a pout, and many frowns.

nothing much is happening. i must have gotten off the wrong side of bed again this morning. else, it must be age catching up on me, am i that old? not really, i speak like i am a century-old antique sometimes. someone, please remind me that i am just twenty-four. in any case, i refuse to think that someone's actions had caused me to stop smiling.

anyway, i am already feeling much comforted after writing this chunk of words. writing always calm my churning emotions and get me hushed. ta da, maybe the remedy has found its way to me afterall.

take care guys, enjoy the weekend!