cheer me up sunflowers.

what makes your cheerless glum days slightly more bearable?

sunflowers?

chocolates? or comedies?

chocolate ice-cream usually comes to my rescue, but it just seems insufficient today. and what is worrying, is that i am indifferent about it. i do not even care to find the remedy. why bother? since i am expecting tomorrow to be a rerun of today. a pout, and many frowns.

nothing much is happening. i must have gotten off the wrong side of bed again this morning. else, it must be age catching up on me, am i that old? not really, i speak like i am a century-old antique sometimes. someone, please remind me that i am just twenty-four. in any case, i refuse to think that someone's actions had caused me to stop smiling.

anyway, i am already feeling much comforted after writing this chunk of words. writing always calm my churning emotions and get me hushed. ta da, maybe the remedy has found its way to me afterall.

take care guys, enjoy the weekend!

internet station.

the house's wireless is down and the not-too-long cable has not been too helpful. being seated next to my lovely pet pigs can be a bad choice, when their constant napping stunts and food munches make me hungry and sleepy all at the same time. so now i know where the lazy bugs are coming from.

cookie is in slumber, while cracker is actively trying to up a dress size. me? i shall just continue enjoying my dosage of the internet before bedtime, and listen to the therapeutic falling rain.

occupied lungs.

still coughing, with no consciousness of how loud i can get. i wake up every morning, with both my dad and mum nagging me to make a trip to the doctor. must i? i do not like the smell of clinics. it makes me feel bleached.

the bottle of medicine had been consumed by my reluctant obedience, yet the cough just gets more stubborn. i have gotten the second bottle today. perhaps the cough will soon get sick of me and depart. i hope it is soon.

i should turn in early tonight, the weather is perfect. i love rainy nights, cuddle cuddle.

till then.

this is going to be kept short. i have to jot this date down because something awesome happened tonight. i am not going into details till the time is right. shhhhhhhhhhhh. sweet secret.

pink life saver.

and so the 14th is a much better day. the downpour has subsided and the sun is out in the deck.

lucky day. just ten steps out, and a taxi was there to chaffeur me to my lunch. i love zero waiting time. having fast food for lunch made my day, and i celebrated by buying the cough medicine that i seriously needed. i could not sleep last night, the cough kept me awake and tossing in bed. it was hard not to wake the whole house up. i cannot believe i am paying money to torment myself. i hate medicine. i usually evade it for as long as i could, but a week of dry cough is a little too much to bear. it is like keeping a hundred feathers in your throat, teasing and tickling you constantly, giving you no peace.

anyway, i hope the coughs will stop soon. and peeps, enjoy your weekends. night!

let go of my hand.

can i be the lonely star in the darkness of skies?
can i have no light around me, can i hide in the darkness that you cannot see?
can i let go of your hands?
can i be alone? keep me in a box, and keep the lock tightly clasped.
take the sun away, i like it bleak and dark.
can i not care about you anymore?
can i turn back time? can i forget, forget, forget?

sleep soundly.

can i be tired?
if i run 5 kilometres now, will i be tired?
can i sleep forever?
please.

blame it on the weather.

one of those days of blues. i am feeling grumpy, whiney, bored, frustrated, empty, rotten. and sometimes, bad days feel so much like an intentional mean prank. someone could just come up to me now and say 'you have been PUNKED.', and i would feel no slight surprise.

anyway, food usually cheers me up a little. and so, i decided i needed my lunch. i had a craving for hot soupy instant noodles. perfect for the rare cooling weather that we have today. and when it comes to soup noodles, i only favor cqyd. it is always a guarantee to have the staple in the store, that is the fondly red cqyd. but guess what? i see no cqyd today! digging into the cupboard, i see no trace of cqyd and instead find two brand new packs of the tom yam noodles hollering nasty grins at me.

and so, i do not even get the instant noodles lunch i want. am i asking for too much? anyway, i shall either make do with the tom yam noodles, or ring kfc and have eight pieces of chicken all to myself. i need happy food.

squeaking up the chimney.

i am becoming a church mouse lately. a good sign, i think. i am trying to keep off being a sunday-only christian. a scene comes to mind: 'KEEP OFF THE GRASS!', the wooden signboard screams, as you look beneath your feet; an inch away from plodding onto the field of freshly lime green grass, softly swaying in the cool breeze. next, you heave a sense of relief, phew.

anyway, time to throw in a permanent sidetrack, happy birthday blogs! witch's brew has just officially announced its one-year-old birthday! so it has been approximately a year since witch's brew, fion, starusticity and myself started this? seriously, i thought the blogs will cease to exist after two or maybe three posts. well, at least i thought mine would. but so far, we are all doing good! *applauds all* good work girls!

though we do not see each other everyday now, but this blog will keep us connected always. remember the constant updates, i am looking forward to our blogs' 2nd birthday already! though i certainly hope time travels a little slower, i would love to have more time to enjoy the many joys of life.

before turning this computer off to catch some sleep, i shall end tonight's blogging marathon by shouting this again:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CLOVE OF BLOGS!

the blogs' birth dates party list everyone needs to know!
fion's everyday is a winding road: 12th october 2004
witch's brew: 13th october 2004
mine: 15th october 2004
starusticity's free cell: 29th october 2004

bravery.

Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

~ Joshua 1:6-11

once in awhile, i find myself digging into swampy cold mud, hoping to camouflage with the grounds. a desire to be invisible, or to simply disappear when things in life are too frustrating. human nature in times of weakness. it is always more convenient to hide, to runaway, to deny, to wallow in sadness, than to wage a war against the fears.

fears could gobble you up. a height of two metres, or whatever your body mass is, fear can still eat you up like you are some tart or pie.

but gladly, we may all find comfort and courage through Him. as we follow His will and plans closely, we will no longer be lost wanderers, God gives promises. let us stay very courageous and very strong as we keep our focus on Him and His words; to read, to meditate, to understand, to live, to share. everything is always easier said, than done. and so, i pray to my Lord that i will humbly follow the set of plans and will that He has worked out for me, that i will stay focused in this walk and never lose my directions, that i will read His Words and live by them. and as He walks by my side, i give thanks for His command to be brave, His constant presence and His promise of success.

perfect imperfection.

love is quite an amazing gift from the One above. with all honesty, i take a look in the mirror and find myself setting eyes on me.

me? yes, me.

the stubborn arse who sticks staunchly by her beliefs and opinions. the child who tries to act her part as a mature grown-up half the time, hoping to make all the right decisions through serious no-joke thinking, yet fails to do so each and every time. the ungentle girl who shouts freely and pouts with no reserves when things do not go her way. the clumsy clown who cannot cook to save the world. the slow tortoise who constantly battles the lack of punctuality. the inconsiderate soul who conveniently takes, and conveniently forgets to give. the quick-tempered who shuts her sense of hearing when words are not pleasing to her ears. the ill-tempered who does not remind herself that patience and understanding is lacking in her traits. the lazy couch potato who hates to lift a finger for anything.

the list could go on forever. but yeah, i suppose these are sufficient to drive the point that i am far from being perfect. (oh, but just as a gentle reminder, this is not all that is of me, i do have some plus points too okay? i need this reminder, just in case it slips my mind and i end up thinking that i am some hundred per cent bad rotten apple.) yet God still loves me unconditionally, no less than the love He showers on His other children. and with this same amazing grace, He blesses me with an awesome other half.

my other half that completes me, and complements my nature. a friendship which took an unexpected (or expected?) turn, and planted a blooming, flowering tree of love. the seasons could come as the weather changes, but this tree will survive, not by us alone, but also by placing Him, the One who works miracles, in our relationship.

my loved one, thank you for everything. your constant patience, your unconditional forgiveness, your understanding, your unfailing love, your time, your considerate nature, your thoughtfulness, your selflessness, your strong faith, your good heart, your uncomparable cooking skills, your kiddish behaviors that make me laugh, your infallible optimistism. the list could continue, but i shall not let you get big-headed. keep up the good work. you can do better though, there is always room for improvements, right? thank you, really. you are a blessing God has showered on me. i am constantly grateful for your presence in my life. i love you.

sorry peeps, for being rather mushy and cheesy. i did not mean to put all of you through this. but i had to place all my silly nonsensical thoughts into this diary of mine. it is your privilege to be here, right? so haha, be happy about it. i love you guys too. muacks!

to the One above, thank you for everything! i am forever grateful.

the superhero raincoat.

flooded by thoughts, i admit that i am killing myself by thinking too much. i was chatting with a close friend who casually commented that she loved to think, then in an instant, i realised that i was very much a thinker as well. in fact, i am probably full-fledged.

i hate to think, but yet, i cannot stop myself from thinking. thinking is what i do when what i have in my heart is insufficient for me to act by faith. therefore, i rack my head, turn it inside out, trying to be convicted, by science and what many call logic.

faith. faith is what i seek. torrential rains could pour down on me, and run water down my throat. i could choke and struggle in the floods. but i shall not give up seeking Him, and never will i let go of my faith in Him. my only chance of survival, is through faith in the Living God.

that same close friend once said, to cling on tightly to Him. and indeed, that is what we should be doing. in all that we do, cling on tightly to Him, and we will never sway and we need never worry. He is the counsellor and our guidance. cling on to Him and we will never lose our way.

God is amazing. even in times of weakness, i will keep my eyes on Him, and seek Him in all that i do. and in times of good, i will always give thanks. His blessings are numerous. they are probably coming in constantly, His plans for us are perfect in every way.

thank you dear almighty Lord, for all the love and grace, for all the doors You had opened, for Your constant protection and companionship, and for Your eternal unconditional love. thank you.

consumed by imagination.

since two nights back, i was stabbed by daggers of odd thoughts, about another time, another place. i kept silent, hoping i could hide that pain. will anyone see me bleeding?

i was not there, but i imagine being there. like an invisible body, there to watch, to observe. i feel strange, i feel i am there just to inflict pain on myself. i am attacked. why do i see things i do not wish to see? why am i imagining scenes i was not involved in? past of other people, past which no longer matters. it came from nowhere. i went downhill myself, who led me there? i suppose no one. but i am bleeding profusing from such scenes that come into my head as i shut my eyes. i fight to keep my eyes open, i am thinking too much. only the present matters. i am starting to find it hard to breathe in the room of usually soothing blue hues. i need to get back to reality.

as the gloom draws nearer, my other half holds onto my shivering hands. i was about to stray to the other side. just a mm away, yet he brings me back to the world of truth, where the past does not matter, where the past has already reached its end.

i thank God for being the greatest Authority. however dark the night is, the light is always there. just open your eyes, and you will find the shine guiding you through.

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

familiar merry-go-round.

going in circles must be one of my favorite pastimes. since ten years of age which i consider a safe estimate, i have been making the same old plans and resolutions. from the boring typical resolutions such as to shed my laziness for diligence, to shower my parents with more love and courtesy, to the adulthood sort of resolutions such as to be a wiser person capable of reaching a decision on my own, to the shallow barbie class of resolution of sticking to a moderate diet et cetera. the list could hit a hundred, maybe even more, yet i am perpetually side-tracked from achieving them. my feet just cannot keep on the right path.

peculiar sight. i am now much older, but not much wiser. efficiency level of my so-called resolutions is still a guaranteed absolute zero. oh someone, please help!

lately, i have been wrecking my head to sort some crossroad issues. the level of understanding that i have of myself is totally insufficient for me to conclude what i should do or rather, what i want to do. the battle continues between my indecisive brain cells, while i quietly seek peace by escaping. just not think abt it anymore, i thought to myself. but of course, that would also mean, my life will come to a halt. i will not progress. i will just sit here, let gleaming eight-shiny-legged spiders plant their cobweb roots in me, nurture their generations as i turn gray. this is insane, i still behave like a toddler, incapable of self-survival. i need to reach another level of independence. it is not about living alone for years abroad, it is not about being responsible for your own laundry or meals. it is about knowing the direction in life you want to take, and getting there. i need to learn a new skill, so now, what can get me started on growing up?

now that brings me back into my cute ol' familiar round circle, i am plodding back into the field of planning once again. it is nothing more than a set of guides or rules that one sets, hoping it will bring us all somewhere we want to be, or simply makes us a theoretically improved person.

if my guts are not consumed by laziness, my next entry will be about plans or a self-written list of guides or rules. let's see if self-improvement blog entries help organize my life.

meanwhile, i am off to bed. good night folks, i am off to claim the lucky draw i have won: 8 hours of sleep. sweet dreams.