darkening dark circles.

my holiday is almost coming to an end and i am still facing the same old wacky problem.

i had been yawning and tired since 10 p.m. and yet, i am still awake now, at 2 a.m.

what's the logic? i probably need a sweet lullaby to lure my warped and awake cells into slumber.

good riddance.

the garden of roses you gave last christmas bloomed into a house of sharp thorns.

ain't it funny to do a spring-clean and end up stuffing yourself into the trash bag, rolling yourself into the chute? but well, that happens.

what's in an expiry date?

munching happily on a hongkong's ever renowned 'wife biscuit' specially flown in by my aunt, i find myself pausing for a moment now amidst the chewing.

below states what's printed on the exquisite golden-rimmed packaging.

best before:
dd/mm/yy
$ 4.50

now tell me, what's in an expiry date?
price?

remembering his name.

they remember his name. he slips in with such ease, like the way i fit into the crowd. you are family now, my love. i know it when they call you by your name.

question and answer.

'why is it only now that i find out about this?', i keep asking myself.

why not earlier? things could have been vastly different.
for good or bad, i do not know. by a typical human's perceptions, it would have been many tonnes easier. it saves time and money, and we can move on to living our dreams sooner.

but, God, you allow this to happen. so needless to say, there is a purpose behind this. so let me move on from this and God, lead me to the right path that i should take, please. i am really rather tired from thinking.

decision jury.

the left fights the right, while the right kicks back with no reserve. my head is getting dizzy from the constant bickering arguments and debates. i have heard enough reasons, excuses, fears, concerns, practical and impractical options. all coming from me, myself and i am about to punch myself in the face, the decision jury in my head is fighting its guts inside out.

do i list the pros and cons, do some math and conclude?
do i follow what makes me happy?
do i take the 99.9% safe and predictable path?
do i take a vote and just do a count?
i know i should simply follow God. i am ignorant, while He is my wise counsellor.

God, guide me? well, i know God is already guiding me. i am just not focusing enough to see. i am misplaced by personal fears, and earthly worries. trust, have faith, pray. God will always give me the best. all i have to do is to open my arms and receive. if i do not even dare to walk through this opened door, how do i receive His blessings?

all these are easy to say, yet hard to place into practice. but i hope i will be able to place my life in His hands, and stop fighting to take control. sometimes, all i have to do is follow Him. oh God, let me see, and i will surely follow after you.

get well soon.

my heels makes a visit to the doctor after spending barely ninety minutes at work. the only good out of this is the natural slumping into bed after the doses of medicines. i do not usually sleep well, but i slept for four straight hours earlier. my body must have really needed this rest.

i am spinning my magic wand a million rounds, let the medicines get my health back in order. my skin is not pale, but my body is certainly not in tip top condition. the doctor is expecting to see me in a week's time for a review, and i am hesistant about it. if my stomach's condition does not improve by then, i will be sent for a scan. and so, i shall spin my wand many times more, churning words into prayers.

stomach, get well soon. take care.

dad the monkey.

i watch suspiciously as dad walks in cheekily through that door.

'who are they? your friends?' dad asks mum, as he takes a glance at the four formally-dressed vietnamese ladies seated elegantly at our green couch, along with a finger-pointing gesture.

mum, totally wide-eyed, returns dad with a disapproving look, then dad bursts out laughing as his friends look at him, all stunned in bewilderment.

too often, i wonder when my dad will grow up.
but i guess, never.

late night friday.

crippled all week thanks to the compulsory early nights and premature rude awakenings, i have finally arrived at my favorite day of the week, friday. after being whiney and grumbling for five consecutive nights about having to sleep early to get up early, i can finally dump that early bird into the bin with a smirk. it is such joy to be happily typing away at two a.m, with no worries about waking up the next morning with puffy eyes, looking like an authentic furry china panda. it is the weekend for goodness sake, i can look like a panda/koala/whatever if i want to.

oddly, i am awake not because i want to surf the internet or to chat. neither is it the need to blog, before my brain's hard disk crashes, and please do not even think that it is insomnia. i am dead tired at this moment, and my eyes are giving way. but i insist on sleeping late/later because it is friday! this calls for a celebration. and so, here i am, scribbling my thoughts by typing furiously, as i struggle to keep my heavy eyes open. weekends are precious, i will simply refuse to give the night away to sleep.

ballooning away.

bottling up these days, i find myself ballooning away. i have turned silent, and my smiles are becoming few. i cannot say that i am not happy, that would be a lie. but i know something is odd about myself. something is creeping up my back. it is either the boredom that is driving me paranoid, or fear that is making me blow through the roof.

i feel i am on the outside of the glass, looking into your world. i can see everything, but i feel left out. i feel very much alone. i am the spectator, i do not live the same life. i feel isolated, and i do not know to rejoice or to grieve.

should i join the school of fish, and swim in the packed polluted ocean?
or should i continue living the contented fairytale life in my fish tank?

of course everyone will label me an ignorant idealistic child. but i guess, all i wanted was to dream, and live a dream. maybe all i wanted, was a fish tank as huge as the seas, clean and free for all to swim happily ever after. or maybe i am a tiny fish in the big blue ocean with a calling, to stand up for a pollution-free ocean?

blop, blop. bubble. till i find my answer, i shall continue swimming.

kitchen store.

mum picks up the phone, obviously occupied with her telly.

ma, do we have any lettuce at home?

lettuce? what is lettuce?

lettuce? the one the pigs always eat, that is lettuce. argh, nevermind. can you see if we have potatoes?

alright, i will check. (fumbling noises.) ya, we have potatoes.

okay, how many?

one.

one? argh. nevermind, forget about it. do we have any food at home at all?

ya, we have. onions. we have two onions.

silence.

drip drip drenched.

i am all soaked in His blessings!

clover shower.

prayers are always answered in God's own manner. whatever the outcome, we rest assured that it is always with the best intentions He has for us. in this walk of life, faith in Him is essential.

cheer me up sunflowers.

what makes your cheerless glum days slightly more bearable?

sunflowers?

chocolates? or comedies?

chocolate ice-cream usually comes to my rescue, but it just seems insufficient today. and what is worrying, is that i am indifferent about it. i do not even care to find the remedy. why bother? since i am expecting tomorrow to be a rerun of today. a pout, and many frowns.

nothing much is happening. i must have gotten off the wrong side of bed again this morning. else, it must be age catching up on me, am i that old? not really, i speak like i am a century-old antique sometimes. someone, please remind me that i am just twenty-four. in any case, i refuse to think that someone's actions had caused me to stop smiling.

anyway, i am already feeling much comforted after writing this chunk of words. writing always calm my churning emotions and get me hushed. ta da, maybe the remedy has found its way to me afterall.

take care guys, enjoy the weekend!

internet station.

the house's wireless is down and the not-too-long cable has not been too helpful. being seated next to my lovely pet pigs can be a bad choice, when their constant napping stunts and food munches make me hungry and sleepy all at the same time. so now i know where the lazy bugs are coming from.

cookie is in slumber, while cracker is actively trying to up a dress size. me? i shall just continue enjoying my dosage of the internet before bedtime, and listen to the therapeutic falling rain.

occupied lungs.

still coughing, with no consciousness of how loud i can get. i wake up every morning, with both my dad and mum nagging me to make a trip to the doctor. must i? i do not like the smell of clinics. it makes me feel bleached.

the bottle of medicine had been consumed by my reluctant obedience, yet the cough just gets more stubborn. i have gotten the second bottle today. perhaps the cough will soon get sick of me and depart. i hope it is soon.

i should turn in early tonight, the weather is perfect. i love rainy nights, cuddle cuddle.

till then.

this is going to be kept short. i have to jot this date down because something awesome happened tonight. i am not going into details till the time is right. shhhhhhhhhhhh. sweet secret.

pink life saver.

and so the 14th is a much better day. the downpour has subsided and the sun is out in the deck.

lucky day. just ten steps out, and a taxi was there to chaffeur me to my lunch. i love zero waiting time. having fast food for lunch made my day, and i celebrated by buying the cough medicine that i seriously needed. i could not sleep last night, the cough kept me awake and tossing in bed. it was hard not to wake the whole house up. i cannot believe i am paying money to torment myself. i hate medicine. i usually evade it for as long as i could, but a week of dry cough is a little too much to bear. it is like keeping a hundred feathers in your throat, teasing and tickling you constantly, giving you no peace.

anyway, i hope the coughs will stop soon. and peeps, enjoy your weekends. night!

let go of my hand.

can i be the lonely star in the darkness of skies?
can i have no light around me, can i hide in the darkness that you cannot see?
can i let go of your hands?
can i be alone? keep me in a box, and keep the lock tightly clasped.
take the sun away, i like it bleak and dark.
can i not care about you anymore?
can i turn back time? can i forget, forget, forget?

sleep soundly.

can i be tired?
if i run 5 kilometres now, will i be tired?
can i sleep forever?
please.

blame it on the weather.

one of those days of blues. i am feeling grumpy, whiney, bored, frustrated, empty, rotten. and sometimes, bad days feel so much like an intentional mean prank. someone could just come up to me now and say 'you have been PUNKED.', and i would feel no slight surprise.

anyway, food usually cheers me up a little. and so, i decided i needed my lunch. i had a craving for hot soupy instant noodles. perfect for the rare cooling weather that we have today. and when it comes to soup noodles, i only favor cqyd. it is always a guarantee to have the staple in the store, that is the fondly red cqyd. but guess what? i see no cqyd today! digging into the cupboard, i see no trace of cqyd and instead find two brand new packs of the tom yam noodles hollering nasty grins at me.

and so, i do not even get the instant noodles lunch i want. am i asking for too much? anyway, i shall either make do with the tom yam noodles, or ring kfc and have eight pieces of chicken all to myself. i need happy food.

squeaking up the chimney.

i am becoming a church mouse lately. a good sign, i think. i am trying to keep off being a sunday-only christian. a scene comes to mind: 'KEEP OFF THE GRASS!', the wooden signboard screams, as you look beneath your feet; an inch away from plodding onto the field of freshly lime green grass, softly swaying in the cool breeze. next, you heave a sense of relief, phew.

anyway, time to throw in a permanent sidetrack, happy birthday blogs! witch's brew has just officially announced its one-year-old birthday! so it has been approximately a year since witch's brew, fion, starusticity and myself started this? seriously, i thought the blogs will cease to exist after two or maybe three posts. well, at least i thought mine would. but so far, we are all doing good! *applauds all* good work girls!

though we do not see each other everyday now, but this blog will keep us connected always. remember the constant updates, i am looking forward to our blogs' 2nd birthday already! though i certainly hope time travels a little slower, i would love to have more time to enjoy the many joys of life.

before turning this computer off to catch some sleep, i shall end tonight's blogging marathon by shouting this again:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CLOVE OF BLOGS!

the blogs' birth dates party list everyone needs to know!
fion's everyday is a winding road: 12th october 2004
witch's brew: 13th october 2004
mine: 15th october 2004
starusticity's free cell: 29th october 2004

bravery.

Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

~ Joshua 1:6-11

once in awhile, i find myself digging into swampy cold mud, hoping to camouflage with the grounds. a desire to be invisible, or to simply disappear when things in life are too frustrating. human nature in times of weakness. it is always more convenient to hide, to runaway, to deny, to wallow in sadness, than to wage a war against the fears.

fears could gobble you up. a height of two metres, or whatever your body mass is, fear can still eat you up like you are some tart or pie.

but gladly, we may all find comfort and courage through Him. as we follow His will and plans closely, we will no longer be lost wanderers, God gives promises. let us stay very courageous and very strong as we keep our focus on Him and His words; to read, to meditate, to understand, to live, to share. everything is always easier said, than done. and so, i pray to my Lord that i will humbly follow the set of plans and will that He has worked out for me, that i will stay focused in this walk and never lose my directions, that i will read His Words and live by them. and as He walks by my side, i give thanks for His command to be brave, His constant presence and His promise of success.

perfect imperfection.

love is quite an amazing gift from the One above. with all honesty, i take a look in the mirror and find myself setting eyes on me.

me? yes, me.

the stubborn arse who sticks staunchly by her beliefs and opinions. the child who tries to act her part as a mature grown-up half the time, hoping to make all the right decisions through serious no-joke thinking, yet fails to do so each and every time. the ungentle girl who shouts freely and pouts with no reserves when things do not go her way. the clumsy clown who cannot cook to save the world. the slow tortoise who constantly battles the lack of punctuality. the inconsiderate soul who conveniently takes, and conveniently forgets to give. the quick-tempered who shuts her sense of hearing when words are not pleasing to her ears. the ill-tempered who does not remind herself that patience and understanding is lacking in her traits. the lazy couch potato who hates to lift a finger for anything.

the list could go on forever. but yeah, i suppose these are sufficient to drive the point that i am far from being perfect. (oh, but just as a gentle reminder, this is not all that is of me, i do have some plus points too okay? i need this reminder, just in case it slips my mind and i end up thinking that i am some hundred per cent bad rotten apple.) yet God still loves me unconditionally, no less than the love He showers on His other children. and with this same amazing grace, He blesses me with an awesome other half.

my other half that completes me, and complements my nature. a friendship which took an unexpected (or expected?) turn, and planted a blooming, flowering tree of love. the seasons could come as the weather changes, but this tree will survive, not by us alone, but also by placing Him, the One who works miracles, in our relationship.

my loved one, thank you for everything. your constant patience, your unconditional forgiveness, your understanding, your unfailing love, your time, your considerate nature, your thoughtfulness, your selflessness, your strong faith, your good heart, your uncomparable cooking skills, your kiddish behaviors that make me laugh, your infallible optimistism. the list could continue, but i shall not let you get big-headed. keep up the good work. you can do better though, there is always room for improvements, right? thank you, really. you are a blessing God has showered on me. i am constantly grateful for your presence in my life. i love you.

sorry peeps, for being rather mushy and cheesy. i did not mean to put all of you through this. but i had to place all my silly nonsensical thoughts into this diary of mine. it is your privilege to be here, right? so haha, be happy about it. i love you guys too. muacks!

to the One above, thank you for everything! i am forever grateful.

the superhero raincoat.

flooded by thoughts, i admit that i am killing myself by thinking too much. i was chatting with a close friend who casually commented that she loved to think, then in an instant, i realised that i was very much a thinker as well. in fact, i am probably full-fledged.

i hate to think, but yet, i cannot stop myself from thinking. thinking is what i do when what i have in my heart is insufficient for me to act by faith. therefore, i rack my head, turn it inside out, trying to be convicted, by science and what many call logic.

faith. faith is what i seek. torrential rains could pour down on me, and run water down my throat. i could choke and struggle in the floods. but i shall not give up seeking Him, and never will i let go of my faith in Him. my only chance of survival, is through faith in the Living God.

that same close friend once said, to cling on tightly to Him. and indeed, that is what we should be doing. in all that we do, cling on tightly to Him, and we will never sway and we need never worry. He is the counsellor and our guidance. cling on to Him and we will never lose our way.

God is amazing. even in times of weakness, i will keep my eyes on Him, and seek Him in all that i do. and in times of good, i will always give thanks. His blessings are numerous. they are probably coming in constantly, His plans for us are perfect in every way.

thank you dear almighty Lord, for all the love and grace, for all the doors You had opened, for Your constant protection and companionship, and for Your eternal unconditional love. thank you.

consumed by imagination.

since two nights back, i was stabbed by daggers of odd thoughts, about another time, another place. i kept silent, hoping i could hide that pain. will anyone see me bleeding?

i was not there, but i imagine being there. like an invisible body, there to watch, to observe. i feel strange, i feel i am there just to inflict pain on myself. i am attacked. why do i see things i do not wish to see? why am i imagining scenes i was not involved in? past of other people, past which no longer matters. it came from nowhere. i went downhill myself, who led me there? i suppose no one. but i am bleeding profusing from such scenes that come into my head as i shut my eyes. i fight to keep my eyes open, i am thinking too much. only the present matters. i am starting to find it hard to breathe in the room of usually soothing blue hues. i need to get back to reality.

as the gloom draws nearer, my other half holds onto my shivering hands. i was about to stray to the other side. just a mm away, yet he brings me back to the world of truth, where the past does not matter, where the past has already reached its end.

i thank God for being the greatest Authority. however dark the night is, the light is always there. just open your eyes, and you will find the shine guiding you through.

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

familiar merry-go-round.

going in circles must be one of my favorite pastimes. since ten years of age which i consider a safe estimate, i have been making the same old plans and resolutions. from the boring typical resolutions such as to shed my laziness for diligence, to shower my parents with more love and courtesy, to the adulthood sort of resolutions such as to be a wiser person capable of reaching a decision on my own, to the shallow barbie class of resolution of sticking to a moderate diet et cetera. the list could hit a hundred, maybe even more, yet i am perpetually side-tracked from achieving them. my feet just cannot keep on the right path.

peculiar sight. i am now much older, but not much wiser. efficiency level of my so-called resolutions is still a guaranteed absolute zero. oh someone, please help!

lately, i have been wrecking my head to sort some crossroad issues. the level of understanding that i have of myself is totally insufficient for me to conclude what i should do or rather, what i want to do. the battle continues between my indecisive brain cells, while i quietly seek peace by escaping. just not think abt it anymore, i thought to myself. but of course, that would also mean, my life will come to a halt. i will not progress. i will just sit here, let gleaming eight-shiny-legged spiders plant their cobweb roots in me, nurture their generations as i turn gray. this is insane, i still behave like a toddler, incapable of self-survival. i need to reach another level of independence. it is not about living alone for years abroad, it is not about being responsible for your own laundry or meals. it is about knowing the direction in life you want to take, and getting there. i need to learn a new skill, so now, what can get me started on growing up?

now that brings me back into my cute ol' familiar round circle, i am plodding back into the field of planning once again. it is nothing more than a set of guides or rules that one sets, hoping it will bring us all somewhere we want to be, or simply makes us a theoretically improved person.

if my guts are not consumed by laziness, my next entry will be about plans or a self-written list of guides or rules. let's see if self-improvement blog entries help organize my life.

meanwhile, i am off to bed. good night folks, i am off to claim the lucky draw i have won: 8 hours of sleep. sweet dreams.

fallen at his feet.

i claim to embrace His grace and love. i do, actually. but now, fears crawl up to me and consume my presence, and every hope.

i am usually glowing in confidence. even if i am at the deep end of the valley, i know i am good and that i am capable of excellence. yet, i am starting to look down at the grounds. the glory fades away, leaving me in subtle tears. silence, being the only living that i feel comfortable with.

i ask, i seek, i ask, i seek, i ask again, and there i seek again. this is not a game of hide and seek. i plead to know the direction that i should walk. i could weep, i could scream, it could almost be agony. i look in the mirror, what is becoming of me?

faith? i have to cling onto it. oh please do not tear my hands away.

straight path? did He not give to me? or did i just not see? are monetary issues the root of everything? i know they are worth nothing more than the thin bark of trees. so why is it groping onto me?

i am sinking into quicksand already. i can spend twenty four hours thinking, or even a week in thoughts. but i still find no answer. or maybe, the answer has been carved out on my forehead. maybe you could read and tell me? i feel lost, and disillusioned.

i am not of any calibre to be an adult. inside me, i hear the screams of a child tired of living in the costume of a retired teenager. i am almost falling to my knees. oh correct me, i am already on my knees.

oh Lord, please guide me. You are the counsellor of my life. for the wisdom that is unfound in me, oh Lord please fill my questions with answers, please shake the doubts into nothingness. in this maze of life, where my world sometimes reeks of conformity, please use me to glorify Your name. i seek to glorify Your name in all that i do. please lead me to the path of Your will.

oh Lord, please hear my pleas.

see that rainbow.

i am quitting. hurray!

little scout and the compass.

i get hit by this a little too often, feeling i am lost in a rainforest. i hear the sweet sounds of nature, i feel the light raindrops sliding off my moist skin, through the side of my eyes i see rays of sunshine reflecting softly off the dew on the leaves. though nerve-wrecked knowing that i am lost for directions, my heart beats in a regular pounding manner. i take comfort in knowing that each step i take forward, is a step closer to Him.

homestay.

been to the docs, and back. medicine, they make me feel like i am sick. but, oh well, i guess i am. am i supposed to get better? i hope i will, anyway. being ill equates to half of me vanished.

bored stiff, the air i am breathing is reeking of boredom. frumpy saturdays, how could this be happening to me? i hope this pair of tickets cheers me up. the silence and serenity of the theatre should ease my rocking frustrations.

off to a relaxing shower now, thinking about food makes my saturday seem happier already. first thing upon reaching destination, hot fudge sundae! yummy.

plugged in to recharge.

the phone has not rang, and the mails are not coming in. it can get rather disheartening without work. i cannot say that i miss work. afterall, i have to admit that i am enjoying my leisure life now. it is back to the good old school days! but this cannot go on forever. and i do not want it to, anyway. i want to burn brightly, like a litted firefly in the night.

i shall press on. things will work out fine, i know He's working on it.

wizards and spells.

been unwell for three days, and this count has not come to a halt. my breaths are diminishing, exhaustion is perpetually constant. i am not a fan of medicine and clinics, but i am starting to wave hello, it is getting a little too much to bear. weird thing is, my appetite is still going on strong, or rather, stronger. what's wrong with me? doctor!

inches of bean stalk.

a six year old would anxiously sit by her precious bean sprout plant, waiting for the head of the cute little bean sprout to pop out of the soil. despite it being planted barely a few hours back, the anxiety and excitement could just hardly contain themselves. see the sparkle in the child's eyes, see the shiny glimmers of hope and faith in those almond-shaped eyes.

and so here i am, not six years old, and in fact, many multiples older, clicking countless times to check my mail. okay, okay and so i admit i am not that patient. i checked my mail for abit and soon after, i hopped off and returned to lala land.

the prospect i replied yesterday had not returned a reply. well, i am probably a tad disappointed but hey, he may just reply tomorrow! i am not at all worried, i am just entirely excited waiting for a reply.

and today, here is another shout! another prospect had contacted me. cheerios cheerios. i must absolutely give thanks to the Almighty One above. He is so nice. i am so grateful. of course, nothing has yet been confirmed, but i know all good things will come my way, in His time.

i hope His time is not too faraway. let patience and peace rest in me tonight, i am already looking forward to tomorrow. smiles.

grass of the field.

i was watching the telly earlier when i suddenly sat up, feeling tensed and uptight. fine lines started revealing themselves on my forehead, and a frown slowly formed out of my lips. worries consumed me for a good whole few seconds there, horror terror. i honestly hate to worry about tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and the tomorrow of all tomorrows. it is senseless, pure torment and tears joy into pieces. thankfully, i managed to cast that aside, drilling faithfully, helplessly into my mind that i need not worry about tomorrow.

"if that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?"
- matthew 6:30

and hours later, hope was clearly in sight, a prospect! the road ahead is long and winding, but i am thankful that i have this path to walk, and i will continue walking His will by faith.

streaks of rainbows.

when happiness is in my life in continuous form, i gleam inside-out, and wanna hug the world and kiss all the cute puppies and guinea pigs in my sight. it is always nice to receive compliments, and when it comes from someone whom you value an incredible amount, it is extremely rewarding. it kicks doubts off your insecurities, and fills your day with golden-yellow sunshine. who cares if the skies were gray this morning, and the rain was pouring anxiously to flood the grounds? even feeling unwell did not manage to dip me in any gloom.

Him, my other half, our families and my friends, are the best in the world!

may my lucky continuity continues. if i must give an estimate, work is barely a eighth way there, the road ahead remains an arduous uphill trek but i am full of faith and hope, i know that things will definitely get better! plans were drawn out, and we are now counting on our rusted engines to put these into action. oiling in process! a slow start is expected, i was afterall obliviously sinking my waist in brown grainy rust just days back.

anyway, with effort, comes good results, and flying colors. journeys which are long and winding are exceptionally memorable, the view from the peak of The Destination is going to be mind-blowing. this is going to be such a beautiful ride!

mud and jams.

yours truly here is starting to flop, like slime and mud. packed schedules tend to throw me off the wall like car-packed jams. seems i have to take a class on time management or something, something that guides me on how to coordinate my plans, needs and wants, and stuff them all into the insufficient hours each day gives.

for awhile, i was trapped in a ball that stood constant, even as time slips off the way sand does from the gaps between our fingers. yet now, i find myself constantly rolling. i want to burn myself out, push myself beyond the limits. in short, i would like to grow. i want to learn new things, i wish to surpass myself. i guess i am just bored of me, the complacent me who is always in content, yet never contented. it somehow gets frustrating, to be in a permanent form of self-contradiction.

i am never much of a determined person, much less of a fighter. but i am hoping this gust of zest in me will last more than a few moments. i simply have too many dreams waiting for me to pluck off the sky, all waiting for me to wave my hands, stretch a little and reach out for them. i have to get moving. my dreams are waiting.

dreams do come true. i know mine will, ours will.

fly by.

fly by, surely time could slow down a little, but no, it has already been five days.

the soil digging has been worthwhile, baby steps may be small but i trust we are in the right direction. the Lord paves the road, and we the humble servants obey and walk the path. thinking back, we have no clues why we had paused in what we had set out to do earlier. i guess setbacks and disappointments had thrashed our high hopes then. maybe we had shunned away to escape further despair, or maybe it really just was not the right time. anyway, i would like to think that it is not too late. and gladly, nothing in this world is ever too late. regrets do happen, but if we find strength, we will usually find our way to iron out the regrets, or to move on. and so, we did have our share of regrets, about things we did or did not do. and now, we finally find strength through Him to shove those stubborn stains of regrets aside, working cheerfully towards our dreams and plans.

and i would somewhat like to think that we are now stronger than before. i honestly think i have grown stronger, not physcially of course, how is that possible with delicious shakes, mozarella cheese and permanantly-postponed gym visits? i just seem to get along a little better with the word 'perseverance' these few days, even though the strings are getting tighter, and worries tend to set in often in the late nights while i lie in bed, with a mind too active to sleep, too free to frown and ponder.

we cannot ensure a success, but He can. once in awhile, i do face doubts about my own talents and plus-points, but the gifts He had blessed me with must be worth As and distinctions! therefore, i choose to press on, and put those gifts and blessings to good use. i will hang in there, i will persevere till the time comes for our prayers to be answered.

i am like a child, waiting for the clock to strike twelve on christmas day, eagerly counting down to the day my little plant will bloom into bright petals. i really hope it will be soon.

model student.

my other half has been rather diligent today. the library is probably still not his favorite hangout, and the study room is definitely never going to be his favorite spot in his home, but the struggling efforts are undeniable. though it is no doubt a very miserly five short minutes of concentration span on those fat chunks of books, i figure it is still a start worth champagne and party poppers.

do not worry, baby. you can do it! (eeks, sounds so cheesy, but oh well, who cares? heh.)

happy soiled fingers.

i am feeling rather rejuvenated today, despite running on a serious lack of sleep. dark rings shall not tempt me to slumberland. dreams start to fuel my slightly weighted footsteps, and my little petrol tank in gradual motion gets pumped up full. i had been in deep sleep for hundreds of days, stretching to months. doing some simple math, i am now left with only under three months to convict myself to a path.

this path, or that? the answer will be revealed in good time, in His time.

for now, i am going to dig the dirty pile of soil with my rusty half-retired engine, and plant the seed. i am certain He will water my sweet seedling, this plant will nurture and prosper in His glory. it will bloom, it will flower. its colors will glorify His name, and the colors will fill my sight with answered prayers.

i can hardly wait!

tartare paradise.

date: 13 august 2005

time: 2100

venue: fish & co.

drinks: free-flow kola tonic and two glasses of iced water

side dishes: two fish & chips, and a pan of fried calamari

main dish: FIVE saucers of tartare sauce.........YUMMY!

new-fashioned momma.

'squeakkkkkk!', went my pigs, having their routine fight after the weekly shower.

'fight fight fight, naughty ah. the older the two of you get, the naughtier!', my mum nags at them rather sternly as the rounder pig trotted after the skinnier pig playfully.

what follows, is the familiar clinking sound of food generously poured into their tinted glass dish.

unexpected downpour.

the weather was sunbaked and rainless the whole of today, yet it was nonetheless a wet, or rather drenched saturday for my other half.

while enjoying the moving air, and admiring scenic views of a typical saturday's traffic through the wind-down windows of the accelerating car, The Puppy conveniently relieved herself on his lap.

warm, he said.

it's warm, he said.

the puppy.

woofie woof woof.

while walking The Puppy today, we had to stop numerous times in our tracks despite wanting to hurry our steps and get home quick. The Puppy had been munching on every slightly scented object (animal/plant, living/non-living) on the drenched roads, resulting in my other half's hands perpetually resided in The Puppy's throat half the time. and for the precious few moments that his hands were freed, The Puppy was optimistically trying to catch a few black flurry birds to keep as pets.

then midway plodding our way home with The Puppy, a little girl with jet black hair and sparkling eyes had us three mesmerized.

the following were the mumbles of her baby talk.

woofie. clapping her little hands, frantically waving them in excitement.

woof! she giggled, as we paused our steps and The Puppy tugged the leash wanting to run to the little girl.

woof woof! she giggled again.

touch! looking at her dad for boozes of courage, and the dad egged the little girl on. go ahead, touch if you want, he said, in a father's strong reassuring voice.

scared! she backed off, gurgling in laughter as The Puppy pounced up and down in rhythm.

sayang. and she carefully took a few steps forward, stretching her small hands and gently stroked The Puppy's beautiful, freshly brushed fur. she squiggled in gleaming happiness.

and as the three of us continued to trudge our way home, her innocent eyes laid still on us, attentively watching our distancing backs.

and so, The Puppy made a new friend today, this little girl who lives a few streets away.

shining rays in gloom.

feeling hopeless reminds us that we are helpless without Him.

welcome to the family.

prayers are always answered. a month ago, we had prayed and left it in His hands. a month had passed, and we obediently, though reluctantly learnt to let it go, let it pass.

today, the prayer is answered. in good time, He reminds us, all in good time.

the puppy will be joining the family on sunday, we cannot wait. the puppy will be showered with love, love and more love. i can hardly contain my happiness, in fact, i cannot. i am giddy from fluttering around in joyful smiling circles. i am so happy, i can no longer write without sounding gibberish.

the puppy is finally coming home with us. i am a lucky four-leaf clover.

ripple effect.

if only repercussions do not exist, but we all know that they do. and from past experiences, i know i am often misread, misunderstood then oddly maligned. as a consequence, i now learn that i really cannot even offer an innocent smile in response to the hello, in fear the ripples start those monster waves and drown us all again.

in every choice laid on this table, i cannot seem to escape being misunderstood. i just hope all will come to pass, soon. i have to keep my eyes on Him and keep reminding myself, that i live not to be a crowd pleaser, that all does not matter, except for Him and Him only.

the magic bread.

i still enjoy doraemon. i am still mesmerized by his Bread, the Bread that can help you pass all examinations. how easy can examinations get? you just have to eat the Bread!

superheroes.

when i was a child, dressed in cute mini clothes and ponytails, my jaws perpetually dropped in awe each time the soft cuddly carebears shine their superhero powers or ride at 280kmph (assuming superheroes need not keep to speed limits) in the light blue skies on their cloudful convertibles.

having grown out of superbears and "i am the terror, that flaps in the night. i am duck wing duck!", i departed the colorful fictional telly world and slipped into the real world- a place where darkness lurks not just in the troubled alleys, but also on the brightly litted highways.

the good may sometimes have to endure vicious cuts and slashes, and the pain often too much to bear. the bad and villians run freely, laughing in the open, while the good weeps in an unheard whisper in the deserted nights. a funny world, whipped out of irony and chinese drama serials. and look at the bizarre headlines of our daily newspapers.

thankfully, He is the truth. He sees all, knows all. therefore, we need not fear. because at the end of the day, when all is stripped away, it is only Him that matters.

He is my superhero, the One whom i can always count on, the Greatest Author and Authority. my once broken life, He has taken away and showers me now with healing, love, hope and the sweetest blessings. He will always provide, and like my other half says, "all in good time".

He has blessed me immensely. May God bless you too.

at the table.

"yeah, i know that guy. his name is.......hmmm, starts with a B......." ransacking my brain.

"Benjamin?" my other half asked, with a suspicious snigger.

"Bernard?" dad added, with a smirk.

"or Benga-li?" continued dad, with an innocent ponder.

and i wonder why didn't i flip. the two most idiotic men on earth are under the same roof, MY roof.

scrabble is hilarious.

i rolled in bed like a volley and laughed till my throat tonsils swelled. i figure this is why i am so addicted to him, though he pisses the hell out of me sometimes; he makes me happy just by being him.

my other half just booted me out of an online scrabble game, not once, but thrice.

and can you guess why?

anyway, off i go again, continuing the ball rolling in bed. laughs.

with him, everything can be hilarious, even when life's a bumpy ride.

chilled attempt at being the norm.

writing vaguely with a layer of mist is just very me, my very lukewarm effort at clouding my personal life with ambiguity for privacy concerns. but today, for a change, i shall attempt to be transparent and see if this manner of archiving my memories spices up my routine living.

so here's yet another typical monday morning; majority of this city's people are dragging their reluctant feet to the cluttered upbeat business district/stress-filled educational institions, while i snuggle under my blanket waiting for mister sun to roast my little butt.

with a buzz from my doorbell, my other half saved me from being a grilled hot chick by turning up at my doorstep at 9 a.m. i surprised myself when i did not rip his succulent neck apart, but how could i? he had me at hello. i ended up a very happy girl with a stomach full of juicy honey-glazed pork ribs. the oddity of having fresh-out-of-oven ribs for breakfast is a rather excellent idea, yummy.

oh, so am i finally a sheet of transparency film? does this score a low haze index? figure not, clueless, tada.

down the other way.

runaway runaway oh runaway,
solitude is beauty oh solitary strength,
i run miles to leave you out of sight,
to not have you in mind,
to breathe in that normal rhythm,
to not fall, to not cry.

spring in june.

my room is a classic museum if one was ever keen to read my life as a book, on a random sunday morning. a large collection of my belongings are wildly consumed by dust/camouflaged by rust/invisible. while many used to mean the world to me, most are now memories solely for reminiscence purposes (aged people have this bad habit. i heard it makes them feel younger).

anyway, enough said, it is time for springcleaning!

trash evacuation!

wagging that tongue.

spoken/written words can never be vacuumed back into your regretful throat. even an ocean of penitence, served along with a platter of sincere sorriness can retreat no hurt that has been inflicted. physical wounds tarnish the beauty that the vastly superficial world desires, but it is the emotional slap on the broken heart that cries and bleeds.

true enough, healing is always possible, but the process is hardly ever painless or effortless, and scarring can sometimes be a permanent.

for countless times, i had spoken/written words to burn, to spite, to anger, to break, to judge, to hurt. that tongue, when controlled by the ferocious mean monster, is nothing short of a destructive warhead. how i wish my tongue is a purified white angel, holy holy.

for those who are starting to worry about what crazy drama had happened over the weekend, or what garbage did i spout and am now grinding my teeth desperately to chew them into minced non-existence, well nothing much happened really; at least none that measured a minimum 6 on my richter scale.

it is however, a minor weekend affair that got me thinking about misbehaved tongues; and my current amazement at the crowded local blogging scene that litted this entry.

i am quite an isolated blogger, contented to blog in this quiet secluded blog which entertains few/sometimes no readers. i have no desire to seek fame. i write senseless nothings of zero/near-zero entertainment value; sometimes random words which string together to become total incoherence, sometimes poems which express my serious thoughts despite coming across as gibberish talk to others, sometimes self-centric paragraphs about myself, myself and myself. in short, this blog is so private that it probably holds significance only to myself, and a few others (i am trying hard to count beyond my thumb).

reading about some local bloggers in the papers got me doing some surfing, reading and thinking. there is this emerging trend that blogs are slowly shedding its identity of being online journals. they are now quarterly like forums, or jigsaw puzzles that help strangers/friends/anyone piece (read: judge) your personality.

famous local bloggers seem to get their peace wrecked quite abit. the sarong party girl removed her debatable pictures, xiaxue received hate mails for voicing out her personal opinions; i guess the list goes on, but i really do not know that much about the local blogging community and this little knowledge is enough for me to not want to probe further.

everyone has beliefs, values et cetera which they hold onto firmly, yet we have a tendency to force our opinions on others, forgetting the very basic principle of respect. words can torment anyone, loved ones, friends or strangers. we can sometimes be a little too quick to judge, to comment, to advise, to criticize. we tend to think our perspectives are right, and conclude too adamantly that every other person's views are foolish/wrong/immature/unacceptable. what often happens next is that, we are overly generous with our so-called honest opinions and end up being harsh and hurtful.

i guess, all i wanted to say in this long and obviously-too-lengthy entry, is that it is perfectly fine to be straightforward, feel free to articulate your thoughts, but there is never a need to be unkind. well, having said this, i hope to tame my misbehaved tongue.

and to all bloggers, since all of us blog for various diverse reasons, i hope all of you guys survive well, in respective manners. as for me, this little lonely bubble is keeping me very fine, and happy.

tunnel of that traveler.

loneliness of a traveler,
lonelily, lonelily.

to question the living world,
to disbelieve, to understand.
to fight,
to compromise,
to despair,
to hope,
to isolate.

then walk on to lose all that shouting thoughts,
tears,
and scramblings,
only to be an average societal soul,
for yet another two burning laps,
on the familiarly packed charcoaled track.

her green fingers.

mum dashes out of her bedroom in a flustered whirlwind, late for an appointment.

"DADDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!"

i, being ever so helpful, poked my itchy nose in.

"what? pa is in the room."

"HELP ME WATER THE PLANTS!!!!!!!!!"

struggling with her shoes while the keys jiggle in her hands.

raises my brows

"plants? aren't they dead?"

"BUT MUST STILL WATER!! WATER FOR ME OKAY??!"

BAMM. the heavy wooded door has shut itself. silence.

grumbles to self.

"so she is really not giving up till the plants are stark naked."

shrugs.

random blog-fillers.

1.out pops another wedding invite from my mail, throwing me into a much dreaded shopping frenzy; but there is no escape. my wardrobe happens not to be, so hmmm wedding-friendly. shrugs.

2.i finally gave mum her mother's day gift, on father's day.

3.my other half more than makes up for my lacking in culinary talent. he whipped up an awesome awesome dinner last night; better-than-nydc baked pasta, sinfully peppery roast chicken and melt-in-your-mouth 100% homemade mash potatoes. jughead would love you baby, i tell ya, but hurrays, you are mine mine, all mine.

4.i am feeling slightly vexed and troubled over something, but this is not worth mentioning. i figure the more i talk about it, the more the gloomy blues consumes me. i really should sulk less, and pray more.

5.cracker is supposed to visit the vet two weeks back. i am so going to get scolded.

6.oh, and i finally went to the very famous maxwell food market for the first time last sunday! i am not absolutely certain, but it may also be my very first time having fish meat bee hoon (i do not recall having had fish meat bee hoon, but i have a vague recollection of some sort of noodles with a soup base that looks beigey and creamy too. any other noodles with that sort of base? or is it deja vu acting up? well, probably.). it ain't too bad, but i think i seriously need to work on my chopstick skills. chopsticks is such an impairment, it makes me slower than the queen of tortoises.

jack in the box.

sometimes, out of nowhere, you find a piece of your past. it lingers around in a silent whisper, maybe in that cluttered drawer, maybe in that dusty brown bag you have long stopped favoring. and as we speak, jack in the box of memories pops out, taking you by surprise, and questions you if your today is better than that yesterday.

so, do you miss that yesterday? jack presses me to answer.

i shook my head, though not wanting to offend.

i am thankful for all my yesterdays, and i have not stripped them of their worth. but they have passed and i now, in my hands, hold a God-given bag filled with overpouring love, happiness and a bleaming bright future.

yesterdays cannot co-exist with todays. and having said that, i shall press on with all my todays to find the sunshiny tomorrows, leaving yesterdays in their beautiful boxes of faded letters, and jaded promises.

melted candy.

this is literally the third candy cane, that has lured me into its den with its sweet sugar and seductive cavities. but i or rather, we are going to let it pass.

it is rather heart-wrenching. i cannot really see what could possibly lay beyond this that could be anymore delicious than this house built of chocolate fudge. blinded, i have to keep my eyes on Him and trust that He gives us nothing but the best. in this, i find the little bit of comfort that keeps me from dwelling further into disappointment.

i am hoping that tomorrow will be a little more like a day in 1987. give me a break from the adult world that trudges forward, leaving me behind all the time. i am tired of catching up with that accelerating packed bullet train.

it would be nice to take a walk in the gentle breeze of 1987, and breathe.

monsters in my pocket.

when my pets take ill, they amplify their squeaks four notches up to get their obnoxious ways, get greedier than real farm pigs, and irritate the hell out of me by staying awake till the wee hours. it is nearing 2 a.m now and they are a thousand hundred miles from slumberland. the lights are out, my eyes see a portrait of black, but my firmly shut ears fail to sift out all that munching, chewing, squeaking, purring, whining, and strolling around their little rosy garden. and you think they will love me for sharing the comfort of air-conditioning with them? no.

but bugger, i am too attached. i cannot find rest if they are not next to me. they are my pretty nightlights. i love them, muacks.

anyway, it is rather fun to feed them their medications. for once, i get to be the big bad wolf, and no one gets to call me evil. sniggers. grins. laughs.

on a wackier note, a trip to the vet changes life, in an odd theatre sense. my other half was thrown into a role-playing frenzy earlier. he is the suave surgeon who operates on his patients (read: pigs) with complex mini syringes, watch the sexy droplets of occupational perspiration forming on his forehead; while i am the girlie white nurse who fills the syringes with the yellow-colored magic potions, and wipes the surgeon's forehead gently in poetic fashion. flashback to reality, he is no surgeon and i am no nurse. we are just two idiots who love terrorising their pets. payback time, this is fun.

well, life is interesting. even i am amused as i watch my life roll in the brown muddy swamps.

adventures of the fat cat.

my crazy fat cat came home from a secret mission trip, with marry brown and my favorite label from the other land! i am happily choked on pretty clothes and deliciously junked fried chicken.

nine bucks pound-shedder.

to humor myself, i made a typical i-know-it-will-sleep-in-my-shelf purchase: a skipping rope.

still, i am somewhat hoping it will be a good investment.

9 bucks to shed some pounds, watcha think?

vitamin pringles.

i am shot down with slight nausea, intense stomach pain and extreme fatigue, yet now as i type, i am continually feasting on pringles, not to mention the menu for earlier: fried chicken drumlets with fries, snickers and shortbread.

it seems that i am the kind of patient that doctors will dread and detest. therefore, to save doctors from the pain of facing such an oddball patient, i shall never be a patient. i shall live healthily to a crazy ripe age on my favorite high-calories, low/no-nutrition potato chips, milkshakes, ice-cream and all other tasty members of the junk food family.

yummy, slurp.

sweet chocolate avenue.

buy me my double fudge chocolate ice-cream, or i shall stick my cute round butt here on the floor and cry myself loud and silly.

okay, i am not that childish and unreasonable, but i am certainly a far cry from being the perfect daughter.

it is no surprise that my parents had truckloads of fun while i was away for three years. they had numerous honeymoons to the other end of earth, and the house was easy on maintenance (pet-free, dust-free, mess-free, daughter-free etc). now that i am back, they are forced to shove the responsibility of being parents down their throats once again. i do not act my age, i am not assuring and therefore, i worry them excessively all the time. sulk, but i seriously do hope that someday soon (and i mean big-time soon), i will be able to set my parents' minds at ease and no longer contribute to their whiting hair and wrinkles. first step: stop being a procrastinating stubborn freakhead.

alright, i confess that i am still feeling slightly bad for being impatient with my mum last night. it is not an easy feat to listen to repetitve advices (some call it nags) and still keep a straight face, but i could have hung in there, turned down my mum's volume in my imaginary world and simply not react. whatever it is, it is over and though i would love to say a big fat sorry, i am just a staunch pridester with my parents. therefore, i shall just take it easy and make a resolution: be more patient with my parents. have i been saying this since i could speak?

well, probably so.

vacuum cleaners.

many months back, my cellular was pick-pocketed in under two seconds in a neighbouring country. when others heard of my loss, they laughed it off before giving me two rightful drops of empathy. simply because it is such a common occurence in that other land that it is to my own amusement that that pick-pocketer did not pack me along with the cellular.

and now, right where i live, one of the safest places in our heavy-weighted world, we have well-planned syndicates which smuggle sequin-coated dogs away in the darkness of nights and money-grubbing actors who walk into offices uninvited and conveniently suction items away.

honestly, since when did human hands become portable vacuum cleaners?

animal farm.

an old tale you may think, but once again, a bird has fallen into yours truly's balcony. broken wings, and fairy-dusted eyes, one would almost think he was God-sent, a fallen angel, until he opened his miniature godzilla beak and tried to scare you. not once, but twice.

it was hilarious considering our prominent size differential, and sorely rude, i must highlight, because i was seriously just bird-chatting a few words of concern with him. i politely advised him that he should up the volume of his chirps so that his family and friends may hear his sos calls and come bring him home.

perhaps he did not understand english, or maybe, he just found me naggy. i felt unwelcomed, and walked through that door back into the room, respecting the privacy he wanted. ironical turn, wasn't he the intruder?

anyway, mum and dad built him a home that night. he was not as lucky as the green glamorous bird who probably belonged to the model runway in the bird world. while miss.green who dropped by a few years back had a sweet pink hotel, his home was a shoebox inn. and evidently, i did not think he enjoyed the dinner my parents provided. i now know a little more about him, he did not like the taste of guinea pig's food.

as the sky lighted the next morning with shiny bulbs, all that was left was a lonely shoebox. i did not get to say goodbye and was feeling quite remorseful for probably having come across as unfriendly to him. it is funny how i now walk by birds and wonder if he is one of them, and if he remembers me. i hope he is okay now, because the last i heard, my mum said he hopped off the balcony. whether he just dived head down onto the cemented ground below or glided into the blue skies above, my mum was not certain. i would choose to think it's the latter.

animal farm, yes that's the closet identity of my humble home. i've hosted two birds so far, along with mika, the smarty pants pup dressed in a black rabbit's coat.

oh, before i go, news freshly hot from the oven: the newest visitor to my home is a bee. i am not going to be friendly though. visiting my home more than dozen times a day is harassment. this may jolly well track back to another animal story during my short stay at a local university's hostel. it may sound made up and conjured by hallucinations, but it is true. a green flying insect built a nest in my stereo set (?!), but i shall digress.

i need to digest all these, and convince myself that my life is afterall hmmm, normal.

fat fat love.

i have a thing for fat cats.

mr.jinx.
garfield.
deliciously sexy round darlings.

rocking world of yours.

i wouldn't say i was looking forward to join the working adults club. afterall, one can see it optimistically as the start of financial freedom, or depressingly as the end. but you could say that i was pretty thrilled, cause it is finally not going to be another one of those senseless school projects which eventually find their seat in the trash bin. being the lucky caterpillar i've always been, i was groomed into a burning bright butterfly, my first employment drove me wild and intoxicated me with greed for job satisfaction. i left feeling full, having slightly tasted what the oxford dictionary calls potential. as a matter of fact, we are rubberbands, we simply have to allow that stretch.

that cold, cold battlefield may swirl your thoughts, shrink your faith, and drown your voice, but life is what we make out of it, so yea, hang in there, be brave, walk through that muddy filthy swamp if we have to. weave and watch those dreams come true. it may really, just happen.

by the way, i am still floating on a raft, but i know i will soon be roaming the aqua blue seas of the big giant world in this little boat i have built with this pair of small bare hands, and his.

and to all whom believed and still believe in me, thank you.

love me if you dare.

the moon shyed away that night,
hear my broken heart run hard and fast.
its feet were to burn that aching chill,
yet you stranger turned up,
shining that orange torch on me.

you are whipped out of sugar and angel dust,
the blanket that keeps the cold away,
yet blinded, i did not see.
love me if you dare, i could never say,
i ran away.

september 2003

tainted canvas.

the little girl held the little crayolas in her small hands and doodled all over her beautiful life.

attack of the queen bee.

stung, i have absolutely nothing but scorn for thiefs who steal words.

sweet ambush of 35.

melty kisses make me happy.

fly me to the moon.

i am an insane chick. i want to tie together a hundred colored balloons and let them take me wherever they want to. i want to be sheeplike, obedient for once. i may land by that delicious lolly-filled beach; i might lose my way like a spider in your four-walled room; my cheeks may get roaring drunk on tears; i might blind your world with shimmery smiles; i may feel forsaken; you may awake smiling, finding me in your arms. uncertainties make our life so interestingly whimsical, so what if they rive your guts apart? i am on your side.

do not take it away.

i love my shiny shimmery world.

weeping map.

the map weeped, yearning for the little girl playing in the sun.

the little girl gave in to that soft murmur, and locked herself in the lightless vault, weeping silently with the map in her small hands. she almost did not make it back.

killer fusspot.

occupational hazard, i am an irritating killer fusspot.

the alarm rang.

time departs before it even lives, but dreams keep me breathing in this smothering tussle with time. this pack of lazy bones shall awake from rest.

stark naked.

i'm the naked chef of my little kingdom. stark naked, cos my kitchenette pride has been stripped to naught.

the spinach balls that i had spinned up on the baking tray two nights back somewhat unraveled themselves to be kang kong balls. no wonder there was an oddity in taste i could not quite explain.

i dislike greens. they are all cloned by nature to look identical, to confuse the already much muddled world.

the verdict.

a happy prince.

serious trespassing.

i am about to intrude into the kitchen's sacred grounds with my retarded culinary skills.

who mistakes ginger for a clove of garlic?
me.
who pieces minced beef together without egg/whatever that gets the crumbs to stick?
me.
who deep-fries without giving the oil even a few moments to heat up?
me.

i shan't go on any further.

oh, by the way, you reckon warm fuzzily baked garlic chicken, coupled with parmesan spinach balls and bacon sausages with a coat of brown sugar sound good?

i'm screwed.

goodbye cushioned clouds.

i've fallen. a force translated me harshly back in time. scenes of my life were played, and replayed in my denying disengaging mind. reality had never come this close.

while majority of the world burn in toil, i stood still and let the waves of time take me forward. arrogance filled me inside out, i believed that my talent and intelligence will get me anywhere that i wanted to be. hard work was sheer nonsense, it was what others needed to get by life, not me. total haughtiness.

thinking back, i feel small, almost coming close to being invisible. i had been easy on myself. i had never pushed myself to be who i could be. i just lived each day as it came, or maybe, i did not even live it. i just allowed time to pass, on its own. time and i were almost like two separate entities, with no connections.

i was lucky, i was showered with unexplained blessings. God has been so patient. despite it all, He led me to where i am, and made me who i am today. for this, i give thanks.

i was thrown off the cushioned clouds earlier this afternoon, a conversation jerked me back to actualities and i'm so grateful because i'm finally going to walk my life, every single instant of it. at long last, i'm going to start living. for me, life is honestly, truly, just beginning.

i have never been this fortunate.

pricked by the red pin.

have i ever whispered in your ears, and let you into my little sweet past, where i was drawn to pain?

it numbs, and tears me away, from what others call happiness.

literature in depth.

Closer caught me unaware, what beautiful literature. i studied it, and it choked me, killing my thoughts. it is addictive, it draws you in, wishing to find answers to countless questions that made you doubt the lovers who reside in this living world.

emotions seem most beautiful when they hurt. they seem so right, the misery, and darkness. that unspoken mystery behind pain is always penned in melancholiac colors, blues which tempt you to take a step further. sink in if you could, it tells you.

lies and lust occupied the scripts, love was the absent cast, what a world they lived in. was that the peculiar world i could never quite fit in? probably.

i'm in my own world now, so beautiful literature no longer matters, i would just like to hold on to this beautiful life, which i now call ours.

dry-cleaned.

God is one interesting novelist. as i flip the pages of my own life, i can't help but fall into a spiral of thought-evoking chapters. it has been an awesome travelog. past tears, and experiences paved the footwalk that led me to the present that i am so grateful for.

once a puppet, whose strings were held tightly by guilt, fears and past recollections, i'm now free to laugh, to smile, to watch the bluely cotten candy above, as i lay on the green fields, fearless. silly me has finally found the courage to be happy. for three years, i was convinced that i did not deserve happiness.

i wouldn't say that i had not been happy, that would not be a fair statement to pass. i was happy, just that happiness never seemed rightfully mine. all that i had, my love, my joy, my life, were under scrutiny, yet my kite never saw the fear that lived and thrived in me, it was a severe case of parasitism. today, i've finally let go of all those possessions, those i could never once call mine anyway, to live only in my skin, with zero baggage. call farewell my fear removal tool.

everyone is finally smiling now, and i'm finally safe, right where i am.

life is beautiful, it had always been.

life unwrapped.

nothing will take away the pain that i was once a joke to some. nothing will take away the broken promises, and unfulfilled callings of love, but all these no longer matter.

the fields are now of a vibrant green, the skies are clear, i see the blue fading off to a sheer shade of purple. i cannot put in words how fortunate i am, contentment is mine to keep. i am happy because i've all that i'd ever wished for in this world. it is surreal. it is unbelievable.

diary room.

my ticket out will be valid in under four hours. this little town of pink fantasies and soup parties will be fondly missed, but even my ineffectual sanity will not wish to miss this departing train. so, what's left to do, is to continue packing my bags.

this town is home to my diary room, where i pen my beautifully incoherent thoughts and colorfully blurred sharings. the friendships i've found here rolls me laughing to tears on the ground, and fills my proud-to-be-bottomless-pit stomach up to its brim with candy and chocolates. together, we become sillier, be in awe as we limp along to the music beat of mr.squarepants.

a minute back, the hippopotamus who sits next to me called me a plastic, from head to toe. it's a truth i can't deny. i'm the barbie doll that they love and adore. i shall remain bimbotic and live up to our legend.

i love my neighbours of this town, and distance's not going to change that.

take care yeah, muacks.

sea of red.

the sea of red. its familiarity is undenied, yet it comes brand new to us, dressing us in red blushes, and warm lushes of charm.

visibility haze.

i can no longer see my kite of auburn.

money tree.

my money tree needs to sprout a few more buds and flower soon!

the ipod photo and powerbook/mac mini are driving me nuttier than nuts.

call them my motivators. thou shall strive to water my money tree daily and watch it feed me full!

grins.

passed you by.

farewell to my kite of auburn tints, which i'd flown and held on tightly to, for three years.

it has been a wonderous journey,
but i shall finally take my rest, close the tired eyes,
and watch you roam the cities,
of clouds and angels.

bless you.

therapeutic aroma.

the faint scent of him lingers in my skies,
his heart that watches every step i take, forward, and back,
his eyes on me, not ever resting to take a blink, a wink.

i'm soaked in a warm fuzzy bubble bath, is this what love's all about?
yet i find myself slipping away, sometimes, unknowingly, in written silence.

on the stove.

you have put me in a blaze,
i'm on fire.

you know the exact notes to hit,
you play that wrecked melody,
yet i choose to keep the peace anyway.

forgiven, and for you, it's always forgotten.

bath bestowed.

drowning, i'm all soaked.

sunscreen of faith.

it's only through faith in Him,
that fear disperses, vanishes, and sets your soul free.

wrecked in burns.

fear.
it burns you inside out, and corrodes your mind.
it makes you hide, it makes you run underground.

time does not rid fear,
logic does not tear fear apart either.

fear thrives, simply too effortlessly.

baby's first steps

it's such a relief, to know that life need never be on a standstill. we can cartwheel and make a point to walk a new path.

i've somersaulted, i'm finally going to live my dreams.

no doubt the journey ahead is gonna have pricks but i'm certain that there will be healing and it's all gonna be worthwhile.

it took me time, but God finally blessed me with courage. i'm thankful.

lethal beauty.

sometimes, being too close can be lethal. sensitivity goes up and tolerance skydives.

the fragility of some friendships worry me, but true friends are beautiful whatever happens.

my conflicting universe.

i'm probably no longer an avid fan of romance. i still get drawn to fairytales though, and i'm probably living one right now.

the only odd emotion is that, i'm often out of breath. does he take my breath away?

this leash is a bulletshot in my head, it's a constant battle. freedom is the other half of me. commitment is beautiful, yet i long for the balance in life i once possessed with one who managed to find the balance in my solitary universe.

i'm in bliss,
yet i tend to slip away.

when will my heart be stolen? or has it already been?

to-do list.

1.mika's bunny bath
2.the pigs' steam shower
3.pigs' pen spring-cleaning
4.spring-cleaning session for my dirty nest
5.catch 8hrs of sleep at least once this week
6.confirm my departure date: bye you stifling bridge
7.drool at my soon-to-be possession: a sparkling new mobile!
8.start hunting for cny wear
9.purchase my travelling pass
10.read

urban legend.

have you heard of the stifling bridge that leads you to the brink of death?

it exists.

misplaced momentum.

i continue running, though i have no clue what's up ahead, the breathlessness drives my blood faster. i do not wish to think, and this run keeps me going. a marathon is going to wreck my feet but i have no courage to take a rest and come to face the reality that the world has not stopped spinning just cos confusion has numbed the emotions of my heart.

i'm confused. denial does not reduce the intense mess i'm in.

i shall just keep running, till someone manages to hold on to me so tightly, that i will just finally stop, and breathe, and simply allow myself to be held & clutched so closely that i may hear another heartbeat.

pale shades.

losing colors,
i'm almost translucent.

i need the sun.

lost in a whirlwind.

caught in a whirlwind, with nothingness in my mind,
the wind carries me wherever it wishes to go,
and i simply follow.

thoughts have deserted me,
all i can do now, is follow,
and i simply follow,
hoping to read the signs.